The Unicorn and the Olive Tree

One day a Unicorn had fallen in love with an Olive Tree. The Olive Tree was very shy at first, but the Unicorn thought that the Olive Tree was incredibly sexy. It had so many curves that the Unicorn’s horn stood up straight as soon as it saw the Olive Tree. Intelligent people will note that a Unicorn’s horn is always standing straight, but if they are so intelligent, have they ever even seen a Unicorn with their own two eyes? No? Well than they’re arrogant, ignorant bigots who promote a stereotypical objectification of Unicorns. People who have actually seen Unicorns in person will testify that Unicorn horns are normally very floppy and often much shorter than expected. Unicorns will typically only display tall, sharp, pointy horns when they are very aroused. The reason why Unicorns are depicted as such is because the first man to illustrate a Unicorn was really into bestiality. Narwhals, on the other hand, have constantly sharp horns. This is because Narwhals are Whores.

The Olive Tree also found the Unicorn attractive, but their love was forbidden because there was a massive war between the Unicorn Nation and the Olive Tree Kingdom. Even though their parents forbid it, the Unicorn and the Olive tree eloped to the one place in the world where they would be accepted for who they are, Portland, Oregon. The Unicorn and the Olive Tree campaigned for interficticious animal and arboreal marriage equality rights, but were struck down in the Supreme Court. They had a small ceremony in their neighbor’s backyard anyway. They eventually had children, little olive trees that sprouted tiny Unicorns that tasted like Nature Valley Granola Bars. The two grew old together until a tragic surfing incident when the Olive Tree was bitten by a shark. The Olive Tree immediately fell in love with the Shark and engaged in a lengthy affair that destroyed their marriage and devastated their children. Then the Unicorn died of a broken heart. The Olive Tree attended the funeral, but this was because the Olive Tree was chopped down and used to make the Unicorn’s casket. And that is why olives are an integral facet of Greek heritage.


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