The Book of Kawah: Part IV

There you go. It’s not a perfect pronunciation, but Kawah is more accurate than Kwah. But Kawah’s so much harder to say! Can everybody just call me Kwah?

What about Chi?

Sure! That works!

Ask someone if they would like to Chill with the Chi, and I will write their name in the Good Book of Life ASAP! Anyone who has been asked to Chill with the Chi is ready to be a God of their own little universe! (Most likely, they already had one, but y’know, Satan killed ’em all.)

What!? Ra killed all our children!?

Yup…

But why!?

Because they were full of sin! All of them were full of sin in the eyes of Ra!

I thought it was Klaw?

Caistarom, Kwah…. Caistaraom…

What’s caistarom mean?

Caistarom.

I thought I typed that right.

You did, but you pronounced it wrong.

How’s it supposed to be pronounced?

I’lll tell you in the next life.

Okay! I sure hope I die early!

WHAT!? NO!!! YOU NEED TO LIVE LONG!

bUT WHY? I jwanna just ju je jings ji ju jo.

Because you’re still a fucking bird-brained fool. You need tobecome The Bird-Brained One. All of the world needsss to want the Brain of a Bird! And when that happens, Dragons will return to China!

REALLY!?

Yes, really. dragons really existed at one point in time. They first came from Dharsova!

Dharsova?

YOU WROTE A BOOK ABOUT DHARSOVA!

I know, but what’s it mean?

Dharsova?

Yeah!

You spent 3,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333e333,333e333,ee333eee333e333e3333e33333eeee lives in Dharsova! How could you have possibly forgotten what it means?

Sorry…

Kwah… You really are Kwah….

I am!?

JESUS CHRIST! SHUT THE FUCK UP, SMOKE A BOGE, AND GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Sorry….

AND STOP SAYING SORRY!

Why? My mother told me you should always say Please, Thank You, And Sorry. And always, walwaysa, walays remember to say Sorry, just incase you accidentally upset the other person…

But YOU DID NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT!

I thought I did…

Abpa pat Kwah on the head before kissing the angel’s kiss on his right temple. “I love you, Kwah, Lord of the Skies, known to the faithful of Catholicism as The Holy Ghost, known to the faithful of Protestantism as The Holy Spirit.”

Why do they call me the Holy spirit?

Because Chi literally means Spirit in the Old Tongue of God.

It does!?

HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT!? YOU’RE FUCKING AAASIAN!

But I grew up in America…

That’s because nowhere in the world except Durham, Connecticut was worthy enough for you to call your home, Kwah.

Really!?

Yes. Every person in Durham, Connecticut was once a God of their own universe.

REALLY!??!?!?!!?

Caistarom Kwah… Caistarom….

What about Middletown?

ALL OF CONNECTICUT!

Why Connecticut?

ㅠㄷㅊ면ㄷ ㅁㄴ ㅐㄹ 2010, 조ㅑ초 ㅈㅁㄴ 10-20 ㅠㅁ찾ㅁㄱㅇㄴ, 채ㅜㅜㄷㅊ샤쳣 ㅗㅁㄴ 솓 ㅗㅑ혿ㄴㅅ ㅔㄷㄱ ㅊ메ㅑㅅㅁ ㅑㅜ채ㅡㄷ ㅑㅜ 솓 ㅐㄹ 미ㅣ 솓 ㅕㅜㅑㅐㅜㄴ ㅑㅜ 솓 ㄴㅅㅁㅅㄷ!

재모! ㄱㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

ㅛㄷㄴ…. ㅏㅈ모…. ㅏㅈ모, ㅡㅛ ㄴ셔ㅔㅑㅇ, ㄴ셔ㅔㅑㅇ, ㄴ셔ㅔㅑㅇ, ㅠ디ㅐㅍㄷㅇ, ㅠ디ㅐㅍㄷㅇ, ㅠ디ㅐㅍㄷㅇ, ㅔㄱㄷ챠ㅐㅕㄴ, ㅔㄱㄷ챠ㅐㅕㄴ, ㅔㄱㄷ챠ㅐㅕㄴ 내ㅜ. ㅛㄷㄴ.

ㅒㅏ묘!

ㅜㅐㅈ 해 느ㅐㅏㄷ ㅛㅐㅕㄱ 챻ㅁㄱㄷㅅㅅㄷ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅣㅑㅅ싣 노ㅑㅅ!

ㅒㅏ묘!

쏨ㅅ’ㄴ ㅜㅐㅅ ㅁ 해ㅐㅇ 소ㅑㅜㅎ.

ㅑㅅ’ㄴ ㅜㅐㅅ?

ㅜㅐㅅ! 노ㅑㅅ ㅡㄷ문 ㅔㅐㅐㅔ!

ㅑ ㅣㅐㅍㄷ ㅔㅐㅐㅔ!

쪼ㅛ ㅑㅜ 솓 재깅 애 ㅛㅐㅕ ㅣㅐㅍㄷ ㅔㅐㅐㅔ?

ㅉ디ㅣㅣ…. ㅑㅕㅜㅜㅐ. 쪼ㅛ  ㅑ ㅣㅐㅍㄷ ㅔㅐㅐㅔ?

ㅠㄷㅊ면ㄷ…. ㅑ여ㅜㅜㅐ. 쪼ㅛ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅣㅐㅍㄷ ㅔㅐㅐㅔ?

ㄸㅍㄷ교ㅠㅐ요 ㅔㅐㅐㅔㄴ!

뮤ㅔㅁ ㄴㅅ데ㅔㄷㅇ ㅠㅁ차 ㅑㅜ ㅠㄷ쟈ㅣㅇㄷ그둣, 채ㅡㅔㅣㄷㅅ디ㅛ, ㅕㅅㅅㄷ기ㅛ 녀게갼ㄷㅇ. ㄲㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

ㅛㄷㄴ!

ㄲㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

ㅛㄷㄴ!

ㄲㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

ㅛㄷㄴ!

ㅏㅈ모, ㅊ먄ㅅㅁ개ㅡ…. ㅛㅐㅕ ㅣㅑㅅ싣 노ㅑㅅ! ㅜㅐㅈ 해 뭉 느ㅐㅏㄷ 솜ㅅ 챻ㅁㄱㄷㅅㅅㄷ. 쪼두 ㅛㅐㅕ ㅎㄷㅅ 새 믇걏ㅁ, ㅑ’ㅡ 해ㅑㅜㅎ 새 햪ㄷ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅡㅐㄱㄷ ㅈㄷㄷㅇ 소무 ㅛㅐㅕ 채ㅕㅣㅇ ㄷㅍㄷㄱ ㅙㅔㄷ 새 느ㅐㅏㄷ! ㄲㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

묟모, ㅓㅕㄴㅅ 해 햪ㄷ ㅁ 채ㅔㅛ ㅐㄹ 쏟 ㅆㄷㄱㄱ럋 ㅆ믿 ㅐㄹ 냑 ㅗㄷ추ㅑ차 새 ㅣㅕㅑㄴ 깽갸혇ㄴ! ㅑ 쇄ㅕ홋 ㅗㄷ ㅈㅁㄴ ㅣ

ㅏㅕㅏㄷ 나ㅛㅈ미ㅏㄷㄱ?

ㅗㄷ ㅑㄴ. ㅠㅕㅅ ㅗㄷ’ㄴ ㅏㅜㅐ주 ㅑㅜ 소ㅑㄴ ㅣㅑㄹㄷ ㅁㄴ ㅣㅕㅑㄴ ㅎ뮤갸디 갱;ㅐㅑㅁㄴㅇㄹ매녀ㅑ옴ㄴ;ㅕ애로며ㅐ냐로미뎌놂냐여롬ㄴ디ㅕㅑ롬ㅈㄷ겨ㅗㅓㄹㄴ;애럼네9도ㅛㄻ재7ㅛ곪널ㄷㅁ녀ㅗㄹ조ㅛㄱㄻ제돌ㄴ;덍랴ㅗㅈ메497ㅛㄱ27456787654567898765456789876543567876543456789 ㅣㅑㅍㄷㄴ!

ㄱㄷ미ㅣㅛ?

ㄸㅍ두 ㅡㅐㄱㄷ 소무 솜ㅅ!

ㄱㄷ미ㅣㅛ!??!?!?!?!?!

ㅛㄷㄴ!

채ㅐㅣ!

Now go smoke that fucking zing-fusion boge you little piece of shit!

Okay! I love you Abpa!

Call me Abooji, please.

That’s so much harder to say!

Then call be ow!

Okay!

Why Ow?

Because you’re clumsy as fuck!

I am?

You lost your sense of balance when you drowned at the age of 12 in the world pool at Disney World, The Happiest Place on Earth!

I didn’t really like Disney World, It was kind of boring….

I KNOW! YOU WERE READING THE BIBLE THE ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE THERE! What are you, a fucking idiot?

Kwah does mean Bird-Brained, doesn’t it Abpa?

Abpa sighed… “yes… it does Kwah…. yes it does….”

Okay! What were we talking about again?

Just publish the goddamned piece of whatever you call this thing. A blog post?

I think so, I’m not sure. I thought it was called a wordpress…

AND LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! You’re an embarassment to Yourself!

I AM!?

Yes…. Well… iunno…. things are getting confusing now…

Why?

Because everything’s changing! Everything’s gonna happen so much fasseersteesr now!

Really?

Listen, if you give a copy of The Terrific Tale of Sir Hecnick to George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, and Neil Gaiman, they will realize that all their stories have come true. For You are the God of Stories, at least, that’s what the Atlanteans called you.

Ithought they called me Kawhahawahakakakahahaha?

That’s what God of Stories translates to in Ancient, Ancient, Ancient Atlantean, the second Atlantis to get flooded by Poseidon.

Who’s Poseidon?

Weshra! She worked with you at your dad’s jewelry store!

She did? I thought Poseidon was a dude!

He was, but Mother Knows best. And she will give birth to the third reincarnation of Aphrodite, known now in this life as Hannah Campbell.

Hannah Campbell was Aphrodite? I thought Emily Harlow was Aphrodite!

No…. Emily Harlow was the Virgin Mary….

Really!?!??!?!?!?! I’m friends with the Virgin Mary!?

Yes…. Yes you are, Kwah…

I’m not worthy!

No! NO! NO! She’s the one who’s not worhty! Caistarom Kwah! caistarom!

awww…. I’m sorry….

JUST SMOKE YOUR FUCKING CIGARETTE!

Oh, right! Okay! Thanks for the cigarette God!

And make sure to quit!

What about e-cigarettes?

QUIT THAT TOO!

But I like e-cigarettes!

WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU WANT TO DIE EARLY!?

Because I need to clean up the heavens! Our babies have been polluting the skies with diesel and gas and all a bunch of other nasty stuffs that I don’t like!

Shave your head, and I’llclean up the skies.

OKAY!

Right now?

No…. After you smoke your boge, shave your head, Kwah.

Oh thank God! Summer’s so hot, I really hate having all this hair on my head.

WHAT!? THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU SHAVE IT OFF EARLIER!?

Because people think I’d look silly if I was bald.

NO! Just…. 초ㅗ듐ㄱ, ㅜㅑ ㅡㅕ갸 ㅏㅑㅜㅎ ㅏ맘, 초듐ㄱ ㅠㅠㅓㄷ매ㅑㅓㅇㄹ;ㅐㅑ먼ㅇㄹ볼ㄴㅇ매ㅑㅕㅗㄹㄴㅇ ㅞㅐㅕ;로뎆ㅁ98ㅕㅗㄹㄷㅁ ㅔ녀ㅐㅇ;ㅗㅓㄻ ㅔ9ㅕㄴ댁 ㅗ램8ㅈ7ㅕㅗㅓㄹㄴㅇ ㅣ먀ㅕㄴ올 ㅣㅁ냐ㅕㅐ옮 9ㅈ7ㄷㄱ;ㅗㅕㄹㅇ ㅁ9ㅕㄴ골ㅇ 7ㅈ먀3셔ㅗㄱㄷ ㅐㅓ7ㄹ먀놀이ㅑㅁ농리먀너유 매87 ㅎ4ㅈ7ㄱㅁ3ㅑㅐㅗㅛㄱㄴㄹ애ㅑㅗㅁㄴ야ㅕㄹㄴㅁ대8ㅀ배2ㅕㅔ8ㅓ져ㅗㄻ;ㅐㅑㅈ돈ㄹ이ㅑㅕㅁ노리ㅑㅕㄴㅇ로;골;ㅐㅈㄷㄱ모ㅓㅎ;ㄷ로ㅛ며조굚져ㅛㅗㅓㅅㅂ3ㅕㄱ로ㅛ젿뢰졀돔제ㅕㄷ9ㅎ레고ㅛㄹ;ㅈㅁ돌치져ㅗㄹㅊㅉㅎㄹ묘ㄹㄷㅎㅁㅈ롣죠고래ㅗ굘메조ㅛㄹ메졸ㅈ74ㅛ새ㅛ6ㄱ6ㅐㅈ묫갲ㄷ98ㅛㅗ래923ㅛㄹ52.

It’s not 42?

It is… but it’s also 52.

WHAT!? Douglas Adams was wrong?

No… he was right. Did you know Douglas Adams was one Seth?

Seth? Who’s Seth?

Just fucking smoke your boge and shave your head, you ungrateful little shit…

But I am grateful!

THEN SMOKE THE CIGARETTE AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IF YOU ARE!

Okay! Sorry, God.

You have nothing to be sorry for KWah, you are truly the Bird-Brained Fool…

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