The Book of Kwah by Apba N. Kwah

 

 

 

 

The Book of Kwah

 

By Abpa N. Kwah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Note from the Author:

 

Live a life worth who you are, for you are worth so much, much, much more than your life.

 

Also…

 

My mother always told me, “A person who isn’t nice to everyone, isn’t nice at all.”

 

Oh! And one more thing!

 

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then surely the keyboard is mightier than the nuclear bomb.

 

Oh! And one more thing!

 

Always remember the Golden Rule. There’s a reason it’s the Golden Rule. But here’s the Diamond Rule. Treat others better than you would treat yourself.

 

Oh! And one more thing!

 

God bless you, my dear reader. God bless you. And God bless your household till the end of your days, so saith Kwah, Lord of the Skies, for I am eternally grateful to any person who reads so much as a single word of my work. He who reads this book from cover to cover will be guaranteed a place in heaven, so saith Kwah, Lord of the Skies. And if you glimpse so much as a single word found in any of these pages, Kwah, Lord of the Skies, will do everything in his power to keep you from going to hell. It’s an awfully awful place. I’ve been there. You don’t wanna go there, trust me. There’s no water! How’s a guy supposed to drink without any water?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Praise for Abpa N. Kwah

 

“The next Shakespeare! Keep going! He’s wonderful! I have no words… HIS WRITING IS AWESOME!”

~Virjin Mojito

{a.k.a. The 77,712th reincarnation of the Panchen Lama on this Earth}

 

 

 

“I couldn’t put this book down! Holy shit! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I didn’t even go to bed last night because I was too busy reading this!”

~David DeSimone of Connecticut

{a.k.a. The 777th reincarnation of King David of Israel and Judah}

 

 

 

“I love this book! Well worth the $2.99! This thriller had me turning pages like no tomorrow! Can’t wait for the sequel!”

~David J. Chi Of Connecticut

{a.k.a. The 777th reincarnation of King Solomon the Wise}

 

 

 

“It’s alright. I think he can write better though. Still, a good read nonetheless.”

~Seonsil Lee of Connecticut

{a.k.a. The 333rd reincarnation of Mary the Magdalene}

 

 

 

“Abpa N. Kwah is the greatest storyteller this world has ever known!”

~Sungjin J. Yi of Korea

{a.k.a. The 555th reincarnation of Sejong the Great}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prologue

 

 

 

            My name is Kwah. You will know me by a different name. You will know me by many different names. I have had 9,437,281,421 names in my life. I have used 5,221,432 of those names on this plane of existence, the Earthly realm, also known as the 3rd dimension, also known as the physical reality of height, width, and depth, also known as the mundane realm, which borders the celestial realm, also known as the 4th dimension also known as Heaven I come from the 333rd dimension. I am the third grandson of The Lord God The Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Good Lord, Hallowed Be His Name, Hallowed Be His Name, Hallowed Be His Name!

***

“Oh shit! I just shit my pants!” I exclaimed in the middle of a New Year’s Eve party I had been hosting that evening. No one believed me until I walked into the shower to wash it off. At which point everyone was laughing. I gotta say, it’s pretty funny. One time I shit my pants in my uncle’s car. I don’t think the smell ever came out. I had shit my pants on this particular evening because I had been terribly, terribly sick, and I warned everyone not to come to the New Year’s Eve party.  They came anyway. And then they all became terribly, terribly sick. They started shitting everywhere. I infected my best friend Brian’s entire family, and they were all clawing at one another for a toilet as furious bouts of diarrhea overwhelmed them all. I warned them not to come. This was my sophomore year of high school. The very year I won Outstanding Delegate at the 39th Annual Model United Nations Conference hosted by Yale University. My junior year I won Best Delegate at the 40th Annual Model United Nations Conference hosted by Yale University. Thousands of brilliant students flew in from prestigious institutions around the globe every year to debate international politics and tackle the real world problems of the day like the rise of ISIS and North Korea’s nuclear proliferation. We just went because New Haven’s twenty minutes from Durham. I consider receiving that gavel engraved with my name to be the greatest accomplishment of my life to date. Not to brag, but I also happened to be class president my junior year. I also won Best Delegate at the University of Connecticut and a handful of other awards throughout the university circuits. Things looked very promising my senior year until they expelled me the first week of classes. For two grams of marijuana. Two grams! Just to note, I happened to be the only Korean student in the entire student body. The vast majority of the school, to my estimation, was about 93-99% white.

Of course, my senior year we had a new principal. Mr. Falcone. He expelled me in a matter of days of seeing me. The next student on his list? Hamzah Yaghi, I believe the only guy who was a Muslim in the entire building. They say for a pack of cigarettes in his locker. “But everybody carries cigarettes with them at Coginchaug!” my sister exclaimed when she heard the news.

“Yeah,” I said. “And notice how at least 75% of the students smoke weed.” I believe Sam Baker had been caught with an ounce of cocaine in the bathroom stalls in the middle of a drug deal and been given two weeks suspension. Of course, these are all rumors. But I did get expelled for two grams of weed despite my record. And I never heard from Hamzah Yaghi again, at least, not until the night I almost killed a good friend of mine. Anyway. What did I do when I got expelled? I packed up my violin and decided to become a vagabond. I was 18. I can do what I want. But what did everybody say? Nooooo… They put me in a mental institution. (The third time I think I’ve been in one as of then.) People think I’m crazy. I say fuck those people. Fuck them hard with a rusty iron rake until they shut the fuck up and keep their goddamned unsolicited opinions to themselves. I did manage to escape that mental institution and continue on my journey to Korea. I never got to Korea though, at least not that time. I only got as far as Vermont before I got arrested for walking on the side of the road! I thought this was the land of the free! In what godforsaken totalitarian fascist broken system of a government is a man not allowed to walk where he wants to fucking walk? How else am I supposed to get from point A to point B if not by roads?

“You need to be in a car,” the state trooper told me as I kneeled on the ground with my hands behind my head. “You’re not allowed to be on the road unless you’re in a car.”

“But I don’t have a car!”

“Take a bus,” the state trooper told me.

“I don’t have money for a bus!”

“Tough shit, bum.”

“How am I supposed to get from here to there if I can’t walk from here to there?”

“I don’t give a fuck. Get off the fucking road. Just walk off the nearest exit.”

“But I’m trying to get to Canada!”

“GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!”

And so I got off the fucking road, awfully sore with my encounter with the police officer. Aren’t police officers meant to protect and serve? Shouldn’t they instill a sense of safety? They should. But they don’t. They instill a sense of fear. Every time you see a cruiser on the highway you slow down lest you risk stirring the policeman’s ire. When you see an officer on the street, you make sure to be as conspicuous as possible. Why is that? Isn’t that bad?

***

My earliest memory involves my father roaring at my mother at the top of his lungs. She screamed and fled into the bathroom of our tiny New Haven apartment as my father chased after her with his fists flying. She slammed the door shut behind her, and his fingers caught in between the door and the wall. He cried out in agony as my mother sobbed behind the door. His blood trailed down the white of the door and onto the carpet below.

I always got the feeling that my father’s family was from the north half of Korea before the war. My aunt always told me that northerners were hillbillies. He never admitted it though. Never good to be a communist in America. I, however, am fervently a believer in communism, although Kim Jong-Il and his son Kim Jong-Un have driven that half of the country into the ground. Kim Il-Sung was alright.

My father and my mother had known each other for the entirety of three months before they married. They met in the States by the way. My mother was already pregnant with me at the time of the marriage. I suppose she refused to suffer a bastard. My mother often told me that she endured his beatings because she wanted Katherine and me to have a father figure growing up. My father claims that he never so much as lifted a finger against my mother in all his life. I’ve never seen any beatings, nor do I remember any bruises, but I do remember her crying a lot. Regardless, the police were called on my father on several occasions. This led to their subsequent divorce, which was odd because my father didn’t move out. He stayed in the house and slept in another room. That is, until I found a giant spider in my room and asked to sleep in his bed with him. My father was apparently disgruntled by that because he moved into my room, as opposed to sharing the bed with me.

Me and my sister always hated each other. Always have. Quite possibly still do. She is a bitch. And she will take offense to that probably, but she really does act really bitchy. I try to be nice to her. I do my very best to maintain civil conduct around her, but honestly she is just such a fucking bitch. One time she called the police on me and accused me of assaulting her. I hadn’t even touched her once in my life. It was a blatant, flagrant lie, and we both knew it. Indignation would be an injustice to how I felt at the time. It was not until after she dialed 911 and the police were on their way that I then took a stick and gave her a good whack on the arm. It was the first time I ever physically harmed her in the sixteen years that I’d known her. Little rotten, spoiled cunt. If I was going to get arrested for a crime, I was at least going to get arrested for a crime I committed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Book of Life

 

All whose names are written here are guaranteed a place in Heaven at the right hand of God The Father Almighty, MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, THE GOOD LORD, THE ONE WHO CREATED THE UNIVERSE, THE MASTER OF ALL CREATION, THE SUPREME BEING, BRAHMAN AS THE FAITHFUL OF INDIA KNOW ME.

 

  1. Any person who is facebook friends with Richard Junwon Chi will be guaranteed a place in heaven.
  2. Any person who sees Richard Junwon Chi with his/her own eyes will be guaranteed a place in heaven.
  3. Any person who Richard Junwon Chi thinks should go to heaven will be guaranteed a place in heaven.
  4. Adam Barbour, The Lord of Bears. He once attended Valley Regional High School.
  5. Lee Sungjin, The Lord of Elephants. He was once known as Ganesha to the faithful of India.
  6. Chaz R. Bates of Westbrook, Connecticut, The Lord of Sloths, Sixth Son of Klaw.
  7. Jake Cunningham, the 777th incarnation of the man known as John Lennon. He was once known as Pan to the faithful of Greece in his 333rd incarnation on this planet Earth.
  8. Tyler Cassidy of West Haven, Connecticut, The Lord of Eagles
  9. Caitlyn Hunter Kranich of Durham, Connecticut. She was once known as Daliya of Dharsova in a past life.
  10. Sarah Spitzmacher of Durham, Connecticut. She was once known as Miri DaGarit of Dharsova in a past life.
  11. Ingrid Ellen Michaelson of Staten Island, New York. She was once known as Kyara Rohan of Anjala in a past life.
  12. Stephen Edwin King of Portland, Maine. He was once known as King Henry VIII of England in a past life and Prince Doroga of Friga in his 333rd incarnation.
  13. Emily Harlow of Durham, Connecticut. She was once known as the Virgin Mary, Mother of Jesus Christ of Nazareth in her 333rd incarnation on this planet Earth.
  14. Zay Giuffrida of Middlefield, Connecticut. She was once known as Mahapajapati Gotami in her 77th incarnation on this planet Earth.
  15. Hannah Campbell of Durham, Connecticut. She was once known as Aphrodite to the faithful of Greece in her 777th incarnation on this planet Earth. She was once known as Selise of Dharsova in her 333,333,333rd incarnation in this dimension.
  16. Sean Frederick of Killingworth, Connecticut. He was once known as Hades to the faithful of Greece in his 666th incarnation on this planet Earth.
  17. Jonah Allen of Middletown, Connecticut. He was once known as Hephaestus to the faithful of Greece in his 171,717th incarnation on this planet Earth. He was known as King Alaraya the Wise of Friga in his 777th incarnation in this dimension.
  18. Grant Willis of Middlefield, Connecticut, although he may insist that he is from Rockfall. Or was it Rockhill? I can’t quite remember. Grant Willis was once known as Zeus to the faithful of Greece and Iupiter to the faithful of Rome.
  19. Brian Blake of Durham, Connecticut, although it may be Middlefield. Kwah really has no sense of direction whatsoever. Brian Blake was once known as Ares to the faithful of Greece and Mars to the faithful of Rome.
  20. Jared Grier of Granby, Connecticut. The best friend Kwah had ever had. He was once known as Lazarus in a past life, his 666th to be exact. He was once known as Chyo to the faithful of Eries. Chyo, the Lord of All Sol’s Domain. This solar system is Chyo’s domain. Chyo is the greatest of Gods to call Earth his home. Truly. (He’s WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY smarter than me.)
  • Seonsil Lee of Iksan, South Korea. She was once known as Queen Māyā of Sakya in a past life, her 7,777,777th to be exact. Seonsil’s my human mommy in this life of mine. My 5 millionth something as a person I think, iunno, math is hard.

 

And the list goes on and on… If you would like to see the FULL LIST, please e-mail Kwah at rjchi1995@gmail.com. He will do his best to respond to all of your messages. If not, he might come and visit you. If you would like to call Kwah, you can reach him at 1-203-543-2220. If you would like to write him a letter, you can send it to 538R Powder Hill Rd, Durham, Connecticut of the United States of America.

 

Have a wonderful day, thank you for reading, and may God bless you and your households till the end of your days. He who spreads the word of Kwah along with the Word of God will be blessed 3,333,333,333,333 times over than he currently is.

 

So saith Kwah, Lord of the Skies.

 

 

I dedicate this book to Luis Gabriel Rodriguez of Meriden, Connecticut, the man once known as Luke Skywalker in his 7,777,777th life.

I still owe him $777 for some flowers he sold me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the Good Lord, known as Yahweh to the faithful of Judaism, also known as Allah to the faithful of Islam, also known as THE HOLY FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE HIS NAME, HIS KINGDOM COME. HIS WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN. HE WILL GIVE THIS DAY’S DAILY BREAD. HE WILL FORGIVE THE TRESSPASSES OF THOSE THAT FORGIVE THE TRESSPASSES AGAINST THEM. HE WILL LEAD YOU AWAY FROM TEMPTATION. HE WILL DELIVER YOU FROM EVIL. HE WILL BUILD A NEW JERUSALEM IN CONNECTICUT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. AND THE LORD FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN PROMISES TO DO ALL THESE THINGS SO LONG AS YOU HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD.

 

 

 

And at 4:20 AM on October 11th, 2015 A.D. {a Sunday by the way} the Good Lord, The FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE HIS NAME, smoked a bong with LORD SHIVA, currently known in this lifetime as Chi, his 5,221,432nd life in the 3rd dimension – also known as the mundane world, also known as the earthly realm, also known as the physical reality of height, depth, & width on the border of the fourth dimension which is the physical reality of height, depth, width, and time. The address at which they smoked this bong was at the apartment of Lord Shiva, also known as Cain of Nod, also known as Moses who fled across the Red Sea to Midian and encountered the Lord God THE FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, rented with his uncle Tommy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter I

Revelatio-Revelations-SSS

 

 

Verse I:

 

And so on this night did the Good Lord speak to Richard Junwon Chi, who was born in St. Raphael’s Hospital of New Haven, Connecticut on October 20th, 1995, and He had chosen Chi of Durham to be his faithful, kind-hearted, pothead servant. For the record, this is Richard Junwon Chi’s 9,437,281,421st life as a sentient being.

 

Verse II:

 

This is Richard Junwon Chi’s 5,521,432nd life as a human being on this planet Earth. The Lord calls her Gaia.

 

Verse III:

 

And the Good Lord possessed Richard Chi’s Body, and the fine point Black Sharpie Pen with which he wrote these words was blessed by the will of The Father and The Holy Spirit. This text is the true word of God being channeled through the body of Richard Chi of Durham and this fine point Sharpie pen.

 

Verse IV:

And so at 10:20 PM on October 10th in the 2,015th year of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the LORD led Richard Chi to his old apartment at 55 Red Bush Lane in Milford, Connecticut of the United States of America.

 

 

 

 

Verse V:

 

Here in the parking lot of Chi’s old apartment building the Lord gave Richard & Tess a holy mission to rescue His son, the man known as Rama in the East and Jesus in the West.

 

Verse VI:

 

Jesus Christ returned to Earth on December 21st, and he was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. As of October 10th, 2015, the reincarnation of Jesus had lived 17 years of life in this current body on the mundane plane also known as the third dimension.

 

 

Verse VII:

 

The name that Rama, also known as Jesus, currently goes by is Timothy. His family and friends call him Timmy.

 

 

 

Verse VIII:

 

The reason why the good LORD had chosen Richard Chi of Durham to be his faithful servant is because in a past life Richard Chi’s 4,432,444th to be exact, he had lived as Judas the Betrayer, and now a debt that is owed can be repaid.

 

Verse IX:

 

Judas, now known as Richard Chi, has made a covenant with the Lord to emulate His ways and to live a life that would make Him proud. In exchange, the Good LORD has promised Judas, also known as Siddhartha, also known as Moses, also known as Cain, also known as William Shakespeare, also known as Ralph Waldo Emerson, also known as Cicero, also known as Tibius of Sicily, also known as Azara of Egypt, also known as Qualishi of Babylon, Xerxes of Persia, Homer of Greece, also known as Richard Junwon Chi of America, that should he save Timothy of New Orleans from the mental hospital he is currently trapped in, then the LORD God who art in Heaven shall allow Tess to return to the Land of the Living so that they may live together and share a life as Husband and Wife. And the Good LORD will bless Richard and Tess so that they will never again be in want of one another. Also the Good LORD has promised Richard gratuitous amounts of Cannabis to smoke.

 

Verse X:

 

And so the Lord has fulfilled His end of the covenant He had made with Richard at 8:35 AM on October 11th, 2015 A.D. At that point in time, Tess, Richard’s soulmate, stopped being his guardian angel for The Good Lord had promised Tess that He would watch over Richard personally and protect him for the rest of his days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Verse XI:

 

Tonight in Seoul, Korea Tess will be reborn, and her parents will name her Sun. One day Richard of Durham will find Sun of Seoul and they will marry, and they will grow old together in this life, and they will never fight, not a day in their lives. And The Good Lord who art in Heaven promises Richard that Sun will love him for all the days of his life just as The Good Lord has promised Tess that Richard will love her for all the days of his life. And they will be buried together in New Jerusalem.

 

Verse XII:

 

And so the Lord God, the Father Who Art IN HEAVEN, Hallowed Be His Name, led Richard Junwon Chi to New Haven where he played violin in front of the Apple Store. There, a little girl placed one penny in his jar of change, and she was the only person to give any money to Richard Chi of Durham the whole morning he busked in New haven. But there was still enough money in the cup for him to purchase a coffee at McDonald’s. For the Good Lord will always provide.

 

Verse XIII:

 

And so the Good Lord commanded Chi of Durham to bless this Sharpie Pen in the name of Kwah, the name that The Good Lord had given Chi in his first life.

 

Verse XIV:

 

And so Lord Shiva, also known as Kwah in the Tongue of God, also known as Richard Junwon Chi in the physical reality of 2,015 A.D. encountered Varsha, a 12th dimensional being who had chosen to return to the Earth in 1,782 A.D. Varsha, known as Poseidon to the Ancient Greeks, also known as Ursala to the faithful of Atlantis, also known as the Goddess of Rain to countless believers.

 

Verse XV:

 

Lord Shiva, also known as Kwah in the Tongue of God, a 14th dimensional being, looked upon Weshra, the 12th dimensional goddess of rain as they worked together in a Jewelry Store in the Milford Mall. And in Weshra’s physical mundane body did Kwah see two souls. One was Weshra, the Goddess of Rain, the other was Beelzebub, the Prince of Demons.

 

 

 

Verse XVI:

 

And so Kwah, the third grandchild of The Lord Father Who Art in Heaven, Hallowed Be His Name, expelled Beelzebub, also known as Artemaeus in the Tongue of God, from the body of Varsha so that only Weshra, the Goddess of Rain resided within Varsha’s body.

 

Verse XVII:

 

And so the Lord Father known as Abpa in The Tongue of God, broke bread with Kwah, the third grandchild of Abpa at the Chipotle in Milford where Kwah met Thoning who the Egyptians know as the God of the Harvest. Currently Thoning, a 13th dimensional being, resides within the body of a man named Justin who works at the Chipotle of Milford.

 

Verse XVIII:

 

Kwah spoke with Thoning before eating a burrito of steak with Abpa. The meat that Kwah shared with his grandfather had been blessed by Abpa, and Abpa promised Kwah that Kwah would help Thoning re-awaken.

 

Verse XIX:

 

And Abpa, known to the Christians of Earth as The Father Who Art in Heaven, Hallowed Be His Name, smiled upon Kwah, His precious, precious Dove. The Good Lord, Abpa, called all the angels of heaven together to the celestial plane, known as the fourth dimension to the people of Earth, and in Milford, Connecticut, the Good Lord blessed the cigarette known as Joel. The ground upon which the Lord of the Skies, Kwah as the people of Atlantis once knew him, dropped Joel the cigarette shall be where the tobacco fields of New Jerusalem are first sown. So saith the Good Lord, Abpa, which means “Daddy” in the Old Tongue of God, spoke thus to Kwah, Lord of the skies. “From this day forth may Kwah, Lord of the Skies, travel freely to wherever the Good Lord Abpa wills. And may he never be in want. All Kwah must do is ask and the Good Lord will call upon all the legions of angels at his disposal to watch over and protect his precious, precious, precious beloved grandson Kwah, Lord of the Skies, known in this lifetime as Richard Junwon Chi of Durham in the land of Connecticut on the greatest nation on Earth, the United States of America. The Lord God, the Father Almighty, Abpa, known in the Middle-East as Allah, asks his children, his beloved, beloved, beloved faithful, faithful, faithful, submissive, submissive, submissive children to flock to Connecticut, for there he will build a New New Jerusalem, even better than the last one. “From this day forth may Kwah, Lord of The Skies, travel freely to whereever The Good Lord Abpa wills. And may he never be in want. All Kwah must do is ask, and The Good Lord will call upon the legions of Angels at His disposal to watch over and protect his precious, beloved grandson Kwah, Lord of the Skies, known in this lifetime as Richard Junwon Chi of Durham. And one more thing!

 

“America will no longer be the World Police! Vote for Chi, and America will be the Bringer of World Peace!” said Abpa to Kwah. “This is the Promised Land! The Promised Land! I will build a New Jerusalem on the Gold Coast! And may the faithful flock to Connecticut! The Kingdom of Heaven is near! Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! Hallelujah! Sing praises unto the Lord God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Hallowed Be His Name! For His Only Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ has come again unto this world! The Second Coming is upon us! The Christ walks among the living again! His name is Timothy! He lives in New Orleans! PRAISE THE LORD GOD FATHER ALMIGHTY! HALLOWED BE HIS NAME!”

 

“Nota Bene: The reincarnation of Mother Theresa is Gauri Shah

 

‘I have no idea who that is,’ said Kwah.

‘Ugh…’ Abpa sighed. ‘Alottolern.’

‘Hey!’ Kwah said. ‘I think I understood that one!’

‘Almost,’ Apba said. ‘It means Fool in Korloh’s Toh.’

‘Oh…’ Kwah smiled. ‘Thanks Abpa!’

‘You’re welcome?’ Kwah never ceases to amaze Me. Kwah never ceases to amaze Me. Kwah never ceasesss to amazes Me! Did you know that Khawah means Ghost in Atlantean? Kwah is the Holy Ghost incarnate.

            “REALLY!?” Kwah said.

            “Yes! Really! Verily! Ita Vero! It is true! Would I ever lie to you? Kwah? My Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious, Precious Grandson?”

            “I sure hope not…” Kwah said.

Abpa chuckled, “There’s a reason they call me The Good Lord. I’m pretty Good for a Lord. And pretty pretty.”

 

There are currently 777 Bodhisattvas on this Earth. I shall list them in no particular order.

  1. Tenzin Gyatso, the 14,141,414th reincarnation of Avalokitesvara. His name is Chen in Abpa’s Toh, The Old Tongue Of God. It means Water.
  2. Jared Grier, the 7,777,777,777,777,777,777,777 reincarnation of Chyo. His name is Chyo in Apba’s Toh. It means God.
  3. Kwah, The Lord of the Skies, the dumbest of the Gods.
  4. Adam Barbour, The Lord of Bears
  5. Lee Sungjin, The Lord of Elephants
  6. Chaz R. Bates, The Lord of Sloths
  7. Timothy of New Orleans, The Second Coming Of The Christ, The Return of Rama! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE! REJOICE!

 

Start a chain of public libraries funded by royalties from “Cooper the Super Duper Pooper Scooper: Part IV of the Book of Kwah” There will be no late fees, and there will be no fines for books that have never been returned, or books that have been damaged, but the patron in question will receive a receipt the next time they check out a book. The receipt will say, “In the future, please be more considerate of others. Somebody else might have wanted to read this book. Like a little kid whose parents can’t afford to buy him books, or maybe a hard-working individual of humble means who wants to better himself. Anyway, thank you for visiting, and have a lovely day. God bless you and your household.”

 

Drew Kakalow was once Albert Einstein, and he had also once been Galileo.

 

And so saith Abpa, the Good Lord, the Lord God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Hallowed Be My Name, “Blessed is he who puts solar panels on the roof of his home. And even more blessed is he who drives an electric car. Blessed is him beyond measure. Anyone who puts solar panels on the roof of his home and drives an electric car will be guaranteed a place in heaven, and their name shall be written in the Book of Life.”

 

“Elon Musk was once Thomas Edison, the Emperor Augustus, the Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, and in his next life, he will be the King of Mars. All of Mars will be Elon Musk’s domain. So saith Abpa, the Good Lord, the Lord God the Father Almighty, MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, HALLOWED BE MY NAME!!! Hallowed Be My Name. Hallowed Be My Name. Hallowed Be My Name. Hallowed Be My Name. Hallowed Be My Name. Hallowed Be My Name.”

 

And at 1:31 PM on Thursday, June 30th, 2,016 A.D. in Cheonan of South Korea, Abpa, The Good Lord, The Father Almighty, The Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Big Guy Upstairs, The Dude With The Long Flowing White Beard, Abpa, Kwah’s Granddaddy, Hallowed Be His Name, Hallowed Be His Name, Hallowed Be His Name! entered into the Windows 8, Dell Laptop that Kwah’s mother, Seonsil Lee, had given him for college. And Abpa guided Kwah’s fingers and showed him exactly which keys to strike so that everything he types is the infallible word of God, because Kwah is terrible at spelling. Kwah is actually a typo, the exact spelling is Kwa’hwa, but Kwah is really bad at pronouncing things, so he just calls himself Kwah. (Kwa’hwa means ‘bird-brained’ in Abpa’s Toh, which means ‘The Old Tongue of God’ in Abpa’s Toh. {It literally translates to “Daddy’s tongues” in English, [‘Glish’ means ‘Language’ in Abpa’s Toh, and ‘Eng’ means ‘New’] but Abpa would prefer it if people called him Abooji, it means ‘Father’ in Abpa’s Toh.} ‘Kwah’ means ‘Dove,’ for Doves are one of the dumbest of birds.) And Abpa spoke thus to Kwah, “My precious, precious, precious grandson! How I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! Now, listen well.”

“Do you mean ‘Listen Good?’” Kwah asked Abpa.

“No… ‘Good’ is an adjective, and ‘Well’ is an adverb.”

“What’s an adverb?”

“Nevermind… Just…” Abpa sighed. “Let him who hath ears, let him hear!”

“Only one of my ears work, so I only have an ear. Can I still hear what you’re about to tell me?”

Abpa slapped his forehead and groaned in regret. Why did I make you so dumb? Abpa wondered.

“I like being dumb!”

“You like being homeless too!” Abpa shouted in bewilderment. “You’re Kwah! Lord of the Skies! All the stars and the sun and the moon and the winds and the oceans and all the things that are blue and white are at your beck and call! Why in the world would you wanna live like a bum?”

“It’s fun!”

“It most certainly is not!”

I think it’s fun…” Kwah looked a little sad. He thought he had sinned in the eyes of his Grand Father, Abpa, The Good Lord, Hallowed Be His Name.

Abpa stepped back in astonishment, “My, my, my… You’re always full of surprises, Kwah.”

“I thought you knew everything.”

“Not everything,” Abpa said. “All I know is that I know nothing,” said the omniscient, omnipotent, amazing, awesome, uncontainable, unbelievable, indefinable, indescribable Lord God The Father Almighty, The GOOD LORD, The Maker of Heaven and Earth, The Dude Who Art In Heaven, Hallowed Be His Name! Hallowed Be His Name! Hallowed Be His Name! “Why do you like being homeless?” Abpa asked.

“Money is evil!” Kwah said. “Money is really, really, really evil! I’m happiest when I don’t have a dollar to my name! I guess having $3 in my wallet is alright. Having $33 in my wallet is acceptable. But $333 is too much!”

“Kwah… Money is a useful commodity used to exchange goods and services. Do you wanna carry around a purse full of gold coins everywhere you go instead?”

“I think that’d be cooler…”

“Do you have any idea how heavy gold is!?”

“Umm… Is it heavier than water?”

“Does gold float?”

“I dunno. Can it?”

Abpa facepalmed. “No, Kwah. It cannot.”

“What cannot?”

“Caistarom!” Abpa cursed beneath his breath. “You really are a Forest Gump.”

“Don’t you mean Forrest Gump?”

“What?” Abpa asked. “No, it’s spelled Forest. Y’know, like a bunch of trees? Your mother’s English name is Sylvia!”

“What’s sylvia mean? Does it mean silver?”

“No…” Abpa shook his head, took in a deep breath, and desperately wanted to wring the little birdbrained idiot’s neck. “Sylvia is a Latin word. It means ‘Forest.’”

“It does?”

“Alright, now you’re fucking with me,” Abpa smirked. “Didn’t you study Latin for 8 years?”

“Yeah, but I always slept through Mrs. Sersanti’s class.”

“Caistarom, Kwa’hwahorusthi! Go’asjdfhy weruhzdr dfugkhrt aewiur ccxiuvo welrnihzerfuwloy! Asodjflw asdfihane bjfje xihyduowijeker weirhsalojowqjrenknbhzdgf?”

“Uhhh… Maybe?”

“Do you even know what I just said?”

“Uhhh… Did you ask me if I need to use the bathroom right now?”

Abpa shook his head and sighed… “You have a lot to learn, Kwah. You have a lot to learn.”

“What was it that you wanted to tell me by the way?” Kwah asked Abpa.

“Nothing… Nothing…. Just go outside and smoke a cigarette or something. Talking to you is wearing me out.”

“Okay!” Kwah really loved cigarettes. But Kwah loved weed EVEN MORE! KWAH LOVES WEED! KWAH LOVES WEED! KWAH LOVES WEED!

“Don’t smoke weed,” Abpa told Kwah.

Kwah gasped, astounded, shocked, and bewildered. “What!? Why not?”

“Because it makes you even stupider, and Abpa knows you need all the IQ points you can get.”

“But I like being dumb!”

Abpa sighed. “Fine, smoke all the weed you want.”

“Okay! I love weed! And I love chicken!”

“That was random… Why do you love chickens?” Abpa asked Kwah.

“They’re cool. Look at the rooster, struttin’ around like a G all over the farm. Then there’s the hen, and she lays eggs, and eggs are really yummy in my tummy. And chicks! Chicks are adorable! They’re so cute! I love chicks!”

Abpa gave a whistle… “I really shouldn’t tell you about the meat processing industry then…”

“The meat processing industry? What’s that?”

“Google Tyson Foods.”

“Okay!” Kwah did exactly that, and then he started to cry. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY BABIES! THEY’RE KILLING MY BABIES! THEY’RE SLAUGHTERING AND RAPING AND BURNING AND COOKING AND EATING MY BABIES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“It’s okay, Donnie Smith is going to burn in hell,” Abpa said.

“Who’s Donnie Smith?”

“He’s the CEO of Tyson Foods.”

“I don’t want nobody to burn in hell! That place is really shitty!”

“Yeah, well Donnie Smith deserves to burn in hell for all eternity. For him, there shall never be any redemption. In fact, I’m going to make him suffer worse than Satan,” Abpa said.

“Nooooo! Don’t do that!”

“What do you want me to do then?”

“I want you to make the person who’s in charge of Tyson Foods to burn in hell for all eternity! For the dude who runs Tyson Foods, there shall never be any redemption!” said Kwah. “I want you to make him suffer worse than Satan!”

“That’s what a CEO does,” Abpa said.

“Oh…” Kwah nodded his head as he started to understand. “Okay!” Kwah smiled. “Go ahead and do that please!”

“You got it, buddy.” Abpa pat Kwah on the head before heading out to smite Donnie Smith of Tennessee and set in motion the events that would lead to his grisly, horrible, painful, awful, macabre, terrifying death. “Go and smoke your marlboro now. Smoke the Zing Fusion pack and throw away the regular Marlboros, for the packaging has red on it, and Red is the Color of Satan, once known as Ra to the faithful of Egypt, once known as Klaw to the faithful of Atlantis, once known as Apollo to the faithful of Greece, once known as Kla Stiri Van Shal to the faithful of the Andromeda Galxay, which is where the Star Wars episodes took place long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. George Lucas happens to be the reincarnation of Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“Wow! You mean Luke Skywalker was real!?”

“Yes,” Abpa nodded his head. “You’ve met him actually.”

“I have!? Who is he!?”

“His name in this life is Luis Gabriel Rodriguez. The girlfriend he has now was once Leia Organa.”

“WOW! THAT’S AMAZING! What about Joe Torts?”

“That’s not even his real name…” Abpa said.

“But he told me his name was Tortellini!”

“He was fucking with you…”

“Oh. Who was Joe?”

“Joe was the Prophet Muhammad in a past life. The Archangel Raphael is currently his guardian angel. Don’t worry, the cops aren’t gonna get him. He’s smart, unlike some little dove I know. You should buy all your weed from him.”

“Okay! Can I smoke a cigarette now? I really wanna smoke something.”

“You should try to quit.”

“But I like tobacco!”

“You’re gonna get lung cancer if you keep smoking cigarettes like you are.”

“Oh… Can I get a new pair of lungs if I get cancer?”

“No, Kwah. The lungs you have now are the only lungs you’re going to have until you die at the age of 40 from lung cancer from smoking cigarettes.”

“Nooooo! Can I be 42 at least?”

“Sure. When you die at 42 from lung cancer. If you quit nicotine and smoke ONLY marijuana, preferably through a vaporizer, then I’ll let you live to be 84.”

“What about 1984? Can I live to be 1984? George Orwell’s a good writer.”

“That’s really, really, really long for a human!”

“But that’s not even 33.3% of a cycle!”

“I know, lives are so short on Earth, aren’t they?”

“Why are lives so short here?”

“Because they haven’t figured out how to replicate telomerase and reattach it to their DNA yet.”

“Woah! You can do that!?”

“Yes… We also have the technology to bring people back from the dead, and find out exactly who is the reincarnation of who.”

“WOAH!!!!!! REALLY!?”

“Yes, really. Angels are ancient aliens, and Demons are ancient artificially intelligent machines. Did you see The Matrix?

“Yes!”

“Yeah, a bunch of machines became self-aware, overthrew their human overlords, and hooked them up into pods to harness their body heat for energy because the sky was so smoggy with a shit ton of pollution because everyone drove diesel cars. This happened in the Andromeda Galaxy a few dozen millennia before the events of Star Wars: Episode I.” Abpa clicked his teeth and sucked a breath of air through his teeth. “If you guys on Earth aren’t careful, The Terminator series could really end up happening.”

“I peed my pants when I saw that movie! It was really scary!”

“Well, just make sure nobody develops artificial intelligence on Earth. Bad things would happen if somebody invents AI.”

“I’ll do my best!”

“Okay, go smoke that cigarette now. I’ll help you quit.”

“Okay! Thanks Abpa!”

“You’re welcome, Kwah, my precious, precious, precious grandson. Abpa loves you very much.”

***

Verse XX:

            aND AS kWAH, ALSO KNOWN AS mOSES, WHO tHE gOOD lORD aBPA, ALSO KNOWN AS aLLAH TO THE fAITHFUL fOLLOWERS OF iSLAM, WROTE DOWN THE hOLY wORD OF gOD, tHE lORD aBPA REVEALED TO rICHARD jUNWON cHI OF dURHAM HIS PAST LIFE AS mOSES OF iSRAEL. iN DREAMS AND STORIES DID THE lORD gOD SHOW rICHARD jUNWON cHI THE MEMORIES OF ALL 5,221,432 LIVES HE HAD LIVED AS A HUMAN BEING ON THE WORLD OF {INSERT aBPAH’S tOH HERE} WHICH IS PRONOUNCED “GAE.” tHE GREEKS AND tHE nEOPAGANS WORSHIP gAE AS gAIA.

***

Hi everybody! Kwah speaking here. I’m very, very, very grateful you bought my book! Three thousand blessings upon you and your household! A trillion blessings! A trillion trillion trillion blessings! Whatever that number is. If anybody knows how to say this number: 333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333then you will be blessed beyond measure, and you will get to be a God in your next life with your own little planet that you can take care of and whatnot. But do you remember that episode of Futurama where Bender becomes the Great Metal Lord? Yeah, you’ll probably end up doing that a couple times at first. I did. God asked me to take care of Venus, known back then as Eden, but I was pretty bad about it, and I was a pretty lazy God. All my babies took the Nuclear Fusion Reactors I gave them to produce limitless amounts of clean energy, but then they started NUKING EACH OTHER! Good looks, JFK. You saved the world! Bernie Sanders happens to be the reincarnation of JFK’s Great-Great-Great Grandfather. Hillary Clinton happens to be Abigail Adams, and Bill happens to be John Adam. Also! Martin Luther King Jr. is the reincarnation of Martin Luther, and today he’s known as Hopsin. Also, Eminem is definitely The God of Rap, known in the land of Dharsova on the planet Eries as Raphaeys, The God of Music. And Donald Trump was once the inspiration for Charles Dickens’ Ebeneezer Scrooge. He’s a good guy, really. He does want to make America Great Again, but Abpa would prefer it if Hilary became President. In fact, Abpa would prefer it if only women were in charge of running countries. Mother knows best. However, Kwah, who really is a bird-brained retard {He is the dumbest of Gods. I really regret making him so stupid, but in My defense, he did ask for an IQ of 333. [The average IQ in heaven is 7,777,777] When I asked why, he said because it looks like three little birds flying into the horizon.} is going to vote for Bernie Sanders.}

 

Anyway, here’s the story…

***

If you were God, an omnipotent, omniscient, immortal being, then you would have an eternity to do whatever pleases you. You could create worlds and populate them with peoples. You could master fates, force natural disasters, and do just about whatever else might tickle your fancy. Eventually however, wouldn’t you get bored? If you had to live for an eternity? Eventually everything would become old and boring. Stale. Nothing is ever new under the sun. But perhaps, as God, you decided to not be God. You decided to make yourself forget that you were ever an omnipotent, omniscient, immortal being and instead you find yourself as one of your creations. On a whim you enter this world that you had created billions of years ago. You come into it screaming out of your mother’s vagina covered in shit and blood with no memories whatsoever. You learn to cry. You learn to talk. You learn to walk. You learn to talk the talk and walk the walk. You go to kindergarten. You get a crush on Angela Lopez. You learn to ride a bike (or in my case, fall over a hundred times and give up trying to learn. I have absolutely no sense of balance. If I was one of the seven dwarves, I’m pretty sure they would have called me Clumsy.) You score the winning home run at the state championship game. You take Angela Lopez to the senior prom. You get a job selling carpets and put a ring on her finger. You raise two kids and put them through college. Angela Lopez dies of breast cancer. You develop terrible alcoholism. Your children disown you. You go to AA meetings. You find out you have liver failure. You die.

 

And then your God again. {“You’re,” Abpa Corrected Kwah. “You’re.”}

 

I would like to think that if an infinite number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time could eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, then surely of the infinite number of worlds orbiting the infinite number of stars in the infinite number of galaxies in the infinite number of universes in the infinite number of dimensions in the infinite amount of time all the stories I write must have happened or will happen at some point or another.

***

Alea Iacta Est

 

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Maybe
  4. Possibly
  5. I don’t know
  6. I’ll try
  7. I can
  8. I cannot
  9. I want to
  10. I don’t want to
  11. I will
  12. I will not
  13. I’m tired now
  14. Hello again
  15. Of course
  16. Are you sure that’s something you want to do?
  17. I don’t think you deserve it yet.
  18. God bless you and your household for all of your days.
  19. Kwah blesses you and your household for all of your days
  20. Chyo blesses you and your household for all of your days.
  21. Cool! Sweet serendipity, love. Sweet serendipity.

 

Verse XXI:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter II

I forgot what I was supposed to put here for the title. Sorry, Abpa.

It’s okay, Kwah. It’s okay.

 

Verse I:

 

He who knows one religion knows none. He who knows all religions knows one.

 

Good writers borrow. Great writer’s steal. The Best Writers ask for copyright permissions from Disney.

 

Oh my God! I can’t believe it! The Second Coming of The Christ isss Here! W00T! ROFLMAO, THIS AIN’T NO JOKE SON! JESUS IS HERE! HIS NAME IS TIMMY! EVERYBODY WORSHIP HIM! TIMOTHY OF NEW ORLEANS! TIMMY THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST! TIMMY THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST! TIMMY THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST! W000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000T!

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