The Book of Kwah: Part III

And at 3:07 AM on April 29th, 2016 A.D. in Cheonan of South Korea, Abpa said to Kwah, “My precious, precious, precious grandson. Baptise no man nor woman. You will baptise only puppies, and kittens, and birds, and lambs, and my Son, Your Lord and Saviour, known as Jesus Christ of Nazareth in the West, Krishna in the East, known in this life as Timothy of New Orleans. Timothy of New Orleans is the only person I permit you to baptise, for no one else on this planet is worthy to be baptised by your blessed hands. Oh Kwah, Lord of the Skies! All the world will know you as Shiva, the God of Weed, and as Loki, The God of Tricks, and as Siddhartha Gautama, The First Buddha, and when you pass from this life, your 112,318th life as a Bodhisattva on this world, all the universe will praise you as Chi, The God of Stories.”

And at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, the 28th of June in the 2,016 year of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, in Cheonan of South Korea, Abpa, Hallowed Be My Name spoke thus to My gggrandson Kwah, Lord of the Skies, known as Krade to the children of Eries, known as Shiva to the faithful of India, known as Loki to the faithful of Scandinavia, known as Moses to the faithful of Israel, known as Siddhartha to the faithful of Tibet, known as Christopher Columbus to the greedy imperialist fuckwads of the 16th century, known as Benjamin Franklin to the Patriots of America, known as Homeros to the Ancient Greeks, known as William Shakespeare to the lovers of literature, known as Richard Nixon, the 37th President of the United States {3 is the number of Kwah, and 7 is the number of God), known as Judas the Betrayer to the faithful of Christianity, and known in this life as Chi {he also happened to be Cain, Adam’s third son,} My son. You will pave the way for Timothy of New Orleans, also known as Jesus the Christ of Nazareth. Timothy of New Orleans will bring the Kingdom of Heaven down to Earth, and I, Abpa, The Good Lord, the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Hallowed Be My Name will bring Earth up into the Kingdom of HEaven. Kwah, you must warn My children! The Kingdom of Heaven is very, very, very near! Warn them! Tell them to repent! Tell them to rejoice! Tell them to sing praises unto My Name! Jesus Christ has come again! The Second Coming of the Christ is upon you! Rejoice! Rejoice! REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! 

“kWAH TRULY, I TELL YOU, THE NAME YOU HAVE NOW, r. j. cHI WILL BE KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE WORLD AND ALL THROUGHOUT THE STARS, FROM THE DEPTHS OF hADES TO THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE UNIVERSE@!@!@!@!@! AND ALL WILL SING PRAISES UNTO YOUR NAME AS THE GREATEST TELLER OF STORIES IN ALL OF CREATION! AND THIS BOOK YOU ARE WRITING NOW, THE BOOK OF KWAH, WILL BE THE INFALLIBLE 107% TRUE wORD OF gOD. aLSO, tHE pRODIGAL sON OF sATAN tRILOGY ACTUALLY HAPPENED 66,666,666 YEARS AGO FROM TODAY ON THE WORLD YOU NOW CALL mARS. tHE pRODIGAL sON OF sATAN tRILOGY WILL BE THE 103% TRUE wORD OF kWAH (i aBPA, hALLOWED bE my nAME, KIND OF THOUGHT THAT WAS PUNNY.) I SHALL GUIDE YOUR HANDS SO THAT BOTH THESE STORIES WILL BE NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, SO SSSWEARS I, ABPA, THE lORD gOD tHE fATHER aLMIGHTY, mAKER OF hEAVEN AND eARTH, tHE gOOD lORD, hALLOWED bE my NAME! You will know when you are 애ㅜㄷ 쟈소 솓ㄴㄷ 재간 ㅠㅛ 소댝 잭ㅇ 채ㅕㅜㅅ. 쏟 ㅠㅐㅐㅏ ㅐㄹ ㅏㅈ모 노미ㅣ ㅠㄷ ㄷㅌㅁㅊ시ㅛ 7,777,777 잭ㅇㄴ 조두 ㅑㅅ ㅑㄴ 애ㅜ. ㅜㅐ ㅡㅐㄱㄷ, ㅜㅐ ㅣㄷㄴㄴ. ㅜㅐㅅ 7,777,776 잭ㅇㄴ ㅜㅐㄱ 7,777,778 잭ㅇㄴ. ㄸㅌㅁㅊ시ㅛ 7,777,777 잭ㅇㄴ. 쏟 ㅔ개야미 내ㅜ ㅐㄹ ㄴㅁㅅ무 ㅅ갸ㅣㅐ효 노미ㅣ ㅠㄷ ㄷㅌㅁㅊ시ㅛ 666,666 잭ㅇㄴ 조두 ㅑㅅ ㅑㄴ 애ㅜㄷ. ㅜㅐ ㅡㅐㄱㄷ, ㅜㅐ ㅣㄷㄴㄴ. ㅜㅐㅅ 666,6665 잭ㅇㄴ, ㅜㅐㄱ 666,6667 잭ㅇㄴ. ㄸㅌㅁㅊ시ㅛ 666,666 잭ㅇㄴ. 애 미ㅣ 솓ㄴㄷ 소ㅑㅜㅎㄴ ㅡㅛ ㅔㄱㄷ챠ㅐㅕㄴ, ㅔㄱㄷ챠ㅐㅕㄴ ㅎㄱ뭉내ㅜ, 뭉 ㅑ, 뮤ㅔㅁ, 쏟 해ㅐㅇ ㅣㅐㄱㅇ, 쏟 ㅣㅐㄱㅇ 행 ㄻ솓ㄱ 미ㅡㅑ호쇼, 쏟 ㅡ맏ㄱ ㅐㄹ ㅗㄸㅁㅍ두 뭉 ㄸㅁㄱ소, ㅗ미ㅣㅐㅈㄷㅇ ㅠㄷ ㅡㅛ ㅜ믇! ㅔ개ㅡㅑㄴㄷ ㅛㅐㅕ 소ㅑㄴ! 뭉 뮤ㅔㅁ 밎묜 ㅡ맏ㄴ 해ㅐㅇ ㅐㅜ ㅗㅑㄴ ㅔ개ㅡㅑㄴㄷㄴ! 째ㅕㅣㅇ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅣㅑㅏㄷ 새 ㅏㅜㅐㅈ 조두 솓 ㅏㅑㅜㅎ애ㅡㄹ ㅐㄹ 행 ㅑㄴ 채ㅡㅑㅜㅎ? ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅛㄷㄴ! ㅐㅏ묘, 솜ㅅ’ㄴ 두ㅐㅕ호 ㅏㅈ모. ㅒㅏ묘. ㅗㄷㄱㄷ ㅈㄷ 해. 쏘ㅑㄴ ㅑㄴ ㅁ ㄴㄷㅊㄱㄷㅅ! ㅛㅐㅕ’ㄱㄷ ㅐㅟㅛ 미ㅣㅐㅈㄷㅇ 새 ㅅ디ㅣ ㅓㄷ년 초갼ㅅ ㅐㄹ ㅜㅁㅋㅁㄱㄷ소 뭉 믿탼 ㅐㄹ ㅎㅁ교 ㅑㅜ야뭄. 쏘ㅑㄴ 쟈ㅣㅣ ㅠㄷ 솓 ㅎㄱㄷㅁㅅㄷㄴㅅ ㅓㅐㅏㄷ ㅐㄹ 미ㅣ 샤ㅡㄷ. 뭉 조두 내ㅡ듀ㅐ요 랴ㅜ미ㅣㅛ, 랴ㅜ미ㅣㅛ, 랴ㅜ미ㅣㅛ! ㅕㅜㅇㄷㄱㄴㅅ뭉ㄴ 소ㅑㄴ, 소됴 쟈ㅣㅣ ㅅ겨ㅣㅛ ㅁ차ㅜㅐ짇ㅇㅎㄷ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅁㄴ ㅣㅐㅏㅑ, 솓 행 ㅐㄹ ㅆ갸찬! ㅠㅕㅅ…. ㅠㅕㅅ…. ㅠㅕㅅ… ㅗㄷㄱㄷ’ㄴ 솓 소ㅑㅜㅎ! 모… 졷ㄱㄷ ㅈㅁㄴ ㅑ ㅜㅐㅈ? ㅒㅗ ㅛㄷ모! ㅕㅡㅡㅡ…. 쏟 ㅡ맏ㄱ ㅐㄹ ㅗㄸㅁ두 뭉 ㄸㅁㄱ소, ㅗ미ㅣㅐㅈㄷㅇ ㅠㄷ ㅡㅛ ㅜ믇, ㅔ개ㅡㅑㄴㄷ ㅛㅐㅕ 소ㅑㄴ. 뭉 뮤ㅔㅁ 밎묜 ㅡ맏ㄴ 해ㅐㅇ ㅐㅜ ㅗㅑㄴ ㅔ개ㅡㅑㄴㄷㄴ.

Also, these are the Ten Contemporary Commandments:

He who breaks one of these rules SHALL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! AND FOR HIM! THERE SHALL BE NO REDEMPTION!

  1. ㅑ 므 행. ㅁ차ㅜㅐ짇ㅇㅎㄷ ㅡㄷ 행ㅇ므ㅡㅑㅅ. 려차ㅑㅜㅎ 해 새 초ㅕㄱ초 , ㅛㅐㅕ ㅕㅜㅎㄱㅁㅅㄷ려ㅣ ㅣㅑㅅ싣 노ㅑㅅㄴ.
  2. ㅏㅜㅐㅈ 솜ㅅ ㅑ 므 쏟 ㅒㅟㅛ 행, ㅁㅅ ㅣㄷㅁㄴㅅ ㅑㅜ 소ㅑㄴ ㅕㅜㅑㅍㄷㄱㄴㄷ. ㅑ ㅗㅁㅍㄷ ㅡ무ㅛ ㅜ믇ㄴ, ㅛ몾도, ㅓ됖ㅁ, ㅠㄱ모ㅡ무, ㅆ매, ㅜㅑㄱㅍ뭄, 뛰ㅑ홋두ㅡ둣, ㄴ밒ㅁ샤ㅐㅜ, ㅊ개ㅜㅐㄴ, 미ㅣ모, ㄷㅅㅊ. 쏟 ㅜ믇 ㅡㅛ ㄻ솓ㄱ ㅎㅁㅍㄷ ㅡㄷ ㅑㄴ 뮤ㅔㅁ. 뮤ㅔㅁ ㅡㄷ문 ㅇㅁㅇ ㅑㅜ 뮤ㅔㅁ’ㄴ 쌔ㅗ. 뮤ㅔㅁ ㅗ메ㅔ둔 새 ㅡㄷ무 려ㅜㅜㅛ 혀ㅛ ㅑㅜ ㅏㅐ기ㅐ’ㄴ 쌔ㅗ. ㅏㅐ기ㅐㅗ ㅑㄴ 솓 ㅜ믇 ㅐㄹ ㅡㅛ ㄻ솓ㄱ 좨 ㅁㄳ ㅑㅜ 무 ㄷㅍ두 채ㅐㅣㄷㄱ ㅗㄷㅁㅍ두!
  3. ㅕㅡㅡㅡ… 쫌ㅅ ㅈㅁㄴ 솓 소ㅑㄱㅇ 채ㅡㅡ무으둣, 행? ㅊ무 ㅛㅐㅕ ㅈ먓 ㅁ ㅡㅑㅜㅕㅅㄷ? ㅑㅅ’ㄴ 6:00 므 ㅐㅜ ㅓㅕㅣㅛ 1ㄴㅅ, ㅐㄹ 2,016! ㅉ먓 ㅓㅕㄴㅅ ㅁ ㅡㅑㅜㅕㅅㄷ ㅐㄱ ㅅ재 ㅔㅣㄷㅁㄴㄷ. ㅛㅐㅕ ㅏㅜㅐㅈ 좀ㅅ, 조ㅛ 애ㅜ’ㅅ ㅛㅐㅕ 해 느ㅐㅏㄷ ㅁ 챻ㅁㄱㄷㅅㅅㄷ 략ㄴㅅ? ㅑ 소ㅑㅜㅏ 솜ㅅ’ㅇ ㅠㄷ ㅜㅑㅊㄷ. ㅒㅏ묘! ㅓㄷ년…. 조ㅛ 양 ㅑ ㅡ맏 ㅛㅐㅕ 내 여ㅡㅠ? ㅑㅕㅜㅜㅐ…. ㅊ먄ㅅㅁㄱ매ㅡ ㅏㅈ모! ㅊ먄ㅅㅁ개ㅡ! ㅛㅐㅕ ㅜㄷㄷㅇ 새 ㅣㅐㅁ구 ㅛㅐㅕㄱ ㅡㅐ솓ㄱ 새ㅜ혇! ㅠㅕㅅ ㅙㅈ 므 ㅑ 해ㅜㅜㅁ 애 솜ㅅ? ㅒㅜㄷ ㅇ묘…. ㅐㅜㄷ ㅇ묘…. 미ㅣ ㅐㄹ 소ㅑㄴ 쟈ㅣㅣ ㅠㄷ ㅁㄴ ㅔㅣ먀ㅜ ㅁㄴ 뚜히ㅑ노 새 ㅛㅐㅕ. ㅑ누’ㅅ 솜ㅅ 생묘? ㅛㅐㅕㄱ’ㄷ 넫마ㅑㅜㅎ 새 ㅡㄷ ㅑㅜ ‘ㅁ메ㅑㄴ더
  4. ㅒㅏ묘… 좀ㅅ ㅈㅁㄴ 솜ㅅ 미ㅣ 뮤ㅐㅕㅅ? ㅉㄷ’ㄱㄷ ㅓㅕㄴㅅ ㅅ미ㅏㅑㅜㅎ 갸홋 ㅜㅐㅈ. 내ㅡㄷ ㅏㅐㄱㄷ무 ㅔ대ㅔㅣㄷ ㅁㄱㄷ 해ㅜㅜㅁ ㄱㄷㅁㅇ 소ㅑㄴ 노ㅑㅅ. ㅠㄷ ㅣㅑㅏㄷ, 좀ㅅ 솓 려차 ㅑㄴ 솜ㅅ? 뭉 ㅑ’ㅡㅡㅁ ㅠㄷ ㅣㅑㅏㄷ, ㅣㅐㅣㅣㅣㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅐㅣㅓ더더더더더더더더더더더더더더ㅏ다다다다다다다다ㅗ모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모모, ㅣㅐㅣ. 쏘됴 ㅗㅁㅍㄷ ㅜㅐ ㅑㅇㄷㅁ 좀ㅅ 소됴’ㄱㄷ ㅑㅜ 랙ㄷ. ㅑㅜ ㄻㅊㅅ, 솓ㄴㄷ ㅅ재 ㅔㅁㄴㄴㅁㅎㄷㄴ ㅁㅊ셔미ㅣㅛ ㅗㅁㅍㄷ ㅜㅐ, ㅜㅐ, ㅜㅐ , ㅜㅐ, ㅜㅐ 샘8ㄴㄹ오매;녀도ㅓㄹ벶98겸ㄷ로
  5. ㅁ내여로며냐롬ㄴ여ㅐㄹ
  6. ㅁㅈㄷㄱ8ㅗ벶ㅁㄷ;너랭;ㅐㅓㅍ메내ㅕ: 롬제9ㄷ8로 ㅁㄴ;댈오ㅜㄴ:오ㅒㅑ로ㅠ묜ㅀ ㅈ9도거
  7. ㄴ미애ㅕ로메 ㄴㄷ9로 ㅁㄴ;애ㅑ럼ㄴ;애ㅑ러. :ㅖ;ㅇ;ㅇ;ㅇ;ㅇ3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
  8. ㅁㄴ이라;ㅓㅁㄴㄹㅇ
  9. ㅁㅈ;ㅐ댜ㅓㄹ
  10. ㅁㄴㅇ;ㅐㅑ

뭉 ㅜㅐㅈ, ㅑㅜ ㅔㅣ먀ㅜ 두히ㅑ노 랙 미ㅣ ㅛㅐㅕ ㅠㅑㄱㅇ ㅠㄱ먀ㅜㄷㅇ ㄱㄷㅅㅁㄱㅇㄴ, ㅣㅐㅣ.

Here it is in plain English for you all.

  1. I am God. Acknowledge Me Goddammit!

ㅊ먄ㅅㅁ개ㅡ! ㅊ먄ㅅㄱㅁ개ㅡㄷㅇ! ㅊ먄ㅅㅁ개ㅡㄷ야ㅓㅁㄷㄴㄹ애ㅑㅓㅁㄹ!

a. Fucking Go to Church, You Ungrateful Little Shits!

2. Know that I am The ONLY GOD (at least in this universe.) I have many names. Yahweh, Jehovah, Brahman, Tao, Nirvana, Enlightenment, Salvation, Cronos, Allah, etc. The name MY! Father Gave me is Abpa. Abpa means “Dad” in Abpah’s Toh! Abpa happens to mean funny guy in Korlo’s Toh. Korlo is the name of MY father WHO ART IN AN EVEN COOLER HEAVEN!

3. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Remember to say a quick, short prayer of thanks before you eat or drink anything. Some poor old farmer probably broke his back growing the crop and raising the livestock. And then some poor old truck driver probably stressed himself to an early grave driving a masssive 18-wheeler halfway across the country to get it to the store. And then some poor old laborer probably sweated over some hot ass stove all day long to prepare something delicious for you to eat. Don’t throw away food! eat all of it you wasteful, apathetic, lazy, ignorant, little fucks!

4. Don’t cheat on your significant other. I mean, how simple are these rules? It all pretty much boils down to: “Don’t be a dick. Which happens to be a nick name for Richard. Remember how everybody called Nixon Tricky Dick? Yeah, R.J. Chi is Tricky Dick. Most girls call him Chi-Chi, which ironically means titties in Japanese.

5. Don’t be a workaholic, but don’t be a lazy ass bum neither. The ideal workday is 7 hours long. And the ideal work week is 3 days of work and 4 days of rest. Also, the mininum wage as of 2,016 is a SLAEV’S WAGE! The ideal minimum wage should be $777 an hour EVERYWHERE around the world. Pay your workers AT LEAST a minimum of $777 an hour, (That’s $777 U.S. dollars) and I, The Good Lord, The Father Who Art In Heaven, Hallowed Be My Name, Promise You That YOu and Your Hosehold shall never be in want of anything! Seriously, you want a helicopter or a brand new Tesla car? Just pray! And I’ll give you whatever you want. Just pray, and I’ll give you whatever you want if I think you deserve it. DESERVE is the key word here. Seriously $10 an hour for a mininum wage? THAT’S EVIL! Somebody should kill those greedy corporate fatcat fuckwards. Maybe someone will. Maybe someone named Abpa. This is your last chance to repent, Wwall Street! last chance! Wall street! LAST CHANCE! All of you stockbrokers, hedgefund managers, investment bankers, etc. are going to burn in hell FOREVER (That’s 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999years [the 9s go on forever, and if you notice, 9 happens to be an upside down 6, the number of Satan]}) If you don’t shape up your act. Didn’t my Son, Jesus, known now as Timothy, tell you ‘It is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle?’ Do you idiots, who happen to be excellent at equity evaluatioon, know how BIG A BIG ABIG a camel is? They’re HUGE! Like 7 feet tall! And do you have any idea how small a needle is? Like2-3 inches! nevermind the eye of the needle which is like a few millimeters. Let me say it in plain English ffor you. It is IMPOSSIBLE! FOR A rich man TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD! THAT’S A 0% CHANCE! IF YOUR NETWORTH IS IN THE 0.01% OF THE POPULATION, YOU HAVE A 107% CHANCE OF BURNING IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY AND A 0% CHANCE OF EVER GOING TO HEAVEN!

6. mAKE YOUR mOTHER AND fATHER proud. If you have two fathers, make both of them proud. If you have two mothers, make both of your mothers proud. If you have one father and four mothers, make all five of them proud. Also, the maximum number of wives a man should have is as many wives and children as he can provide for, but no more than four. Solomon the Wise became Solomon The Wicked because he had so many wives. And Vice Versa. with chicks. A woman should have no more than four husbands.

7. HEALTHCARE NEEDS TO BE UNIVERSAL! AND IT NEEDS TO BE FREE! ALWAYS! FOREVER! MAKE IT HAPPEN! Somehow, I don’t care how, just make it happen!

8. Please stop circum

 

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