God Hates Straights

porwCwKuHave you looked outside recently? Absolutely disgusting. Boys holding hands with girls as they walk down the street. Filthy breeders flirting with one another in libraries and coffee shops. Yesterday I saw a man kiss a woman in broad daylight! The audacity! What has this country come to? Surely the 2% rise in unemployment, recently inconvenient weather patterns, gas hitting $4 a gallon, and internet pornography, must, without a doubt, be the overwhelming, apocalyptic smiting of the Lord’s inconceivably mighty retribution against the nation’s sexuality. It can’t possibly be for the United States of America’s crimes against humanity, subjugation of peoples, merciless imperialism, or rampant greed in business. Why would God care at all if the U.S. bombs, kills, and displaces hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, if not millions? Obviously God would be far more enraged by Luisa thinking that Andrew has a nice butt because that is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, not the murder and rape of little girls in Afghanistan or Vietnam.

Did the Lord not breathe the breath of life into Adam and Steve? Not Adam and Eve. And he commanded us to be fruitless and divide. Don’t these abominations that the omnipotent, omniscient, perfect Lord perfectly made in his own perfect image with his own perfect hand to be an abomination for the perfect Lord to hate perfectly, understand how catastrophically overpopulated this planet is, this planet that the omniscient, omnipotent, wholly-good, and perfect Lord created with the specific intent of causing it to become catastrophically overpopulated? In the book of Exodus, does the Lord not order Moses to cut off his dick? We must stop pro-creating! We must take up the good, loving word of our heavenly, peaceful, innocent, merciful, kindly father and do as he bid in Leviticus 22:15-17, “And the Lord said unto Aaron, ‘Rip open the wombs of your wives and smash the unborn heads of your children against the stones of Zion, for I am a just and loving God. Then go, and blessed is he who takes up the sword and slaughters his own brother, father, son, daughter, sister, wife, and mother, for the blood of sinners must be spilt!'” Sinners that he created with the intention of having them sin. Praise the wisdom and mercy of our Lord!

Should these benedictions from the Holy Bible itself, which is undoubtedly and utterly true because the Holy Bible says it is, not convince you, then look at what God does to straight people. Every heterosexual who has ever lived has died by God’s loving, merciful hands. Look at how the loving, merciful Lord punished the Jewish community for their disobedience. The Jews just wouldn’t stop reproducing, so God just had no choice but to enslave, mutilate, imprison, exile, torture, and massacre his chosen people again and again for nearly 8,000 years. Meanwhile, take a look at the gay community. Notice how the good Lord has rewarded these people. Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, Justin Bieber, Liberace, Dick Cheney. God totally let that last guy just blow somebody’s face off with a shotgun, and he didn’t even have to do any time. I mean, homosexuality definitely has its perks, God made sure of that. Throughout history, all the wars that humanity has ever fought had been at the hands of straight people. Straights make war. Gays make love. Time travel back in time to when the History Channel still aired history, and you’ll find heterosexuals suffering at every turn, dying for their children and wives and countries. But if you’re gay, screw that. All the income you get is disposable. Why save up for the college tuition of your non-existent kids’ when you could blow all your cash on a brand new Bugatti. To hell with Christmas Presents, get yourself a home theater. You’ll never have to go to those stupid sporting events or watch anything younger than rated R ever again, and you’ll never have to worry about cheating on your spouse with the baby sitter because practically everybody who’s gay gets mad ass on both teams. There’s a reason gays are so gay.

So next time you see a cute couple cuddling by the fire, be sure to picket the funeral of their infant, mentally handicapped, war veteran son in the name of our loving and merciful Lord, for the good Lord loves all unconditionally unless you’re Muslim, Jewish, Black, Hispanic, Atheist, female, homeless, alien, or straight. Amen!

*Disclaimer: The author is neither homosexual nor atheist.