Jonathan

There once lived a fearsome caterpillar named Jonathan thousands of years ago, and Jonathan ate a dozen nuclear submarines every evening for breakfast because he thoroughly enjoyed the taste of Uranium. It reminded him of Chocolate Cream Pie, but nuclear submarines were very hard to find in the Oak tree he lived in, especially in the 2nd century B.C. In fact, this caterpillar hadn’t eaten a nuclear submarine in its entire life. Jonathan was just a poser. Jonathan didn’t have any friends – but not because he was a poser. Jonathan didn’t have any friends because he was a caterpillar, and it is common knowledge that caterpillars are incapable of forming deep lasting relationships. The best they could ever hope for are acquaintances. Jonathan, however, didn’t have any acquaintances either because he was a poser. This upset Jonathan greatly, and so he set off on a quest to supply his nuclear submarine diet. Enlisting the help of an Egyptian Kangaroo and an olive tree, Jonathan developed a time machine that could transport him into the future, but Jonathan forgot to discover the fact that the Earth revolves around the Sun. When he exited the time machine, Jonathan’s body imploded due to the absence of atmospheric pressure, and his mutilated remains instantaneously froze in the near absolute zero temperatures of space. Thus was the story of Jonathan.

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